Suffering in Silence
by JustFabulous
Summary: Kaoru always thought that silence was his best defence. It's only the day of their wedding does he realize it can also lead to his worst nightmare. One shot. One-sided KaoHaru. Implied over-drinking.


Kaoru was silent throughout the wedding. He watched their every movement: each loving glance, each lingering touch, each soft smile. Because he stood across from the bride, it made it all the easier to see the love clearly displayed in her eyes. In fact, he could almost pretend it was directed at him, that he was the one Haruhi was giving her heart to.

But then his brother shifted in front of him, nervous and impatient, and the illusion was shattered.

-'~'-

Kaoru was silent when the minister asked if there were any objections. His heart was screaming bloody murder, but he didn't move a muscle. He knew if he did, he would break down, all his pent-up emotions bursting out and all the words he never said spilling past his lips.

He could almost see Hikaru's stunned, disbelieving expression.

He could almost see Haruhi's shocked, guilty one.

And yet, there was a part of him that wanted to do it anyway, consequences be damned.

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride." The guests erupted into cheers and applause.

_There goes my chance_, he thought, smiling thinly.

Not that he would have done it.

-'~'-

Kaoru knew he couldn't be silent.

Not now.

But like so many times before, he couldn't bring his mouth to move. His voice was stuck in his throat.

But unlike before, his silence was going to compromise his entire situation. Normally it was the words he had to be wary of.

He was realizing for the first time that silence can be just as dangerous as speaking.

Everyone was staring at him, waiting for his speech, his toast to the newly wed couple. He was reaching for something, _anything_, to come to mind, to roll off his tongue, but nothing did.

And so he stood awkwardly, wondering if the measly bottle of champagne on the table was enough to drink himself into oblivion.

It wasn't, he decided, and then he opened his mouth.

"A toast," he finally said, "to Hikaru, my brother, and..." he had to say it. There was no more running away. "...and his bride, Haruhi. To...to many years of happiness," did his voice sound strained, or was it just him? "and contentment." He nearly chocked back a sob. "Here's to wishing them..." he trailed off. His hand tightened around the drink in his hand, unknowingly cracking the delicate glass. Years of suppressed sadness, jealousy, and self-hatred boiled and raged right underneath his skin, fighting and screaming to be let out, clawing at his already-torn up heart and eating away at the frayed edges of his mind.

And he smiled.

"Here's to wishing them a love that lasts forever."

His core felt oddly numb and cold.

That's it, he thought. There's nothing that you can do any more.

Now all that's left is to seal the deal.

"Cheers!" he called and, as the rest of the guests echoed him, downed the whole glass in one go.

He caught his brother's eyes for a mere moment.

And then he sat down.

He knows, Kaoru thought while smiling and laughing, trying to explain that he was just so caught up in his feelings about his brother finally getting married that he couldn't function. He knows. Hikaru knows. Everything he's kept hidden for so many years is now known, and there was nothing he could do about it. Hikaru is going to confront him, and what is he going to say?

He didn't have to say anything, he realized, because his silence is what gave him away in the end anyway.

Kaoru casually filled up his glass again. There were more bottles at the other tables, he noticed. It wouldn't be strange for him to go and visit Tamaki, who was sitting two tables away, or Mitsukuni, who was at the table across from his.

It was going to be okay, he told himself, just as he had done so many times in the past.

Only this time it was going to be okay not because he was going to get over it, or because Haruhi didn't love Hikaru.

It was going to be okay because he wouldn't remember anything in the morning anyway.


End file.
